This is a humorous speech for a Toastmaster meeting on exes. It will be a real challenge for me to deliver. Assuming the personas of two women in conversation will require a level of acting the doesn't come naturally.

The events and opinions recounted in the speech are real but somewhat exaggerated.

MA: Hello. Josée? 

J: Who are you?

MA:  I'm Graham’s second wife, Mary Ann. I heard about you, but I never met you.

J: What did you hear about me.

MA:  It was really funny.  My cat Mitzi moved in with Graham before I did. One day you came over as you were getting a divorce and you screamed so loud that Mitzi headed on top of the refrigerator was there all day until I came home.

J: That's really funny.  Graham and I were supposed to go to Tahiti on a vacation, but we had such a bad fight that he said, “that's enough of that.  I’m not going.  We’re getting’ divorced. go by yourself!  I had a wonderful time.

MA: That's funny. Did you Graham fight a lot?

J: All the time. I used to attack him. I used to hit him so hard.

MA: But you‘re such a little girl

J: Yeah I did never hurt him. But I tried!

MA: That's funny. Graham and I never fought. Sometimes I got so mad I wouldn't talk to him for weeks on end, but we never yelled or hit each other. I just gave him the silent treatment for a couple of weeks until he talked about walking out.  You’re lucky you didn't have any kids.

J: Luck? A woman makes her own luck! He wanted kids, but you know a woman has her secrets. 

MA: I'm the only one he ever met who would say yes. When I was 10 years old I heard the message from Betty Friedan and Germaine Greer.  A woman should run her own life. No woman should a slave, cooking and raising his children. I didn’t think I wanted them, but my dad rasied me Catholic. I gave in.

J: Did you cook?

MA: No, of course not. I never wanted to, and he’s pretty good.  Except for Japanese stuff.

J: Same with me and Vietnamese food.  I thought it was weird, until I learned that most American men will do anything you ask, just to get you to marry and have kids.

In Vietnam we all wanted kids.  It wasn't until I came to California that my eyes opened.  Life is more than just babies.  A woman can do anything she wants!  Well, except for the money part. Graham was good for money.

So, you and Graham had kids.

MA: Yeah, three. First thing I knew there were two. Then he put on the pressure and we had a third.

Kids are such a nuisance.

I got so extraordinarily mad at him in December 1998! I wanted to take the kids somewhere warm over Christmas so they could lie on a beach and not bother me. But Graham never came up with a plan. Our son Jack wanted to go skiing with his friend David.  Since we didn’t have any family plan Graham agreed take the boys to Killington, Vermont.  Sticking me with two girls for a week.

I was so mad! I gave him the silent treatment after they got back. After three weeks he had had enough and started talking about divorce. I gave in, but things were never right after that.

J: I know what you mean. He is so thick-headed!  He does not catch hints.  You have to come right out and bang him over the head with what you want.

MA: Like our last vacation to Costa Rica.  He wanted to drive to the top of the volcano. I had rented an AirB&B with the Internet so I could keep up with business. So we got a late start and arrived at the volcano just as it closed at 4:00.  He terrified me driving through strange streets after dark trying to find our way home.  He blamed me for not being able to read a map.

The next night was our 25th anniversary dinner in a beautiful restaurant overlooking all of San Jose.  We had nothing to talk about.  The day before had been a disaster. None of the kids were talking to him anymore.  They didn’t want me talking about them.  All I could think to say was, “Don’t get drunk and get me killed driving back.”  We made it back, but it was not sweetness and light.

J: The kids don’t talk to him?  Do you have any grandchildren?

MA: Grandchildren?  No way!  I made sure of that!  I got the girls on pills when they hit their teens.  Jack had a vasectomy.  The school counsellors were all involved.  Graham didn’t dare complain.  Of course we made an excuse about saving them from acne.  But he knew.

J: Good for you!  Well, nice running in to you.  We both got the American woman’s dream. No bothersome man or grandchildren, and an ex-husband’s money.